


The Ridiculous One

by ShaiShinxter



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Lance is all over the place, M/M, Monologue, Reflection, Soliloquy, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 13:16:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaiShinxter/pseuds/ShaiShinxter
Summary: Lance doesn’t really know when to shut up... but sometimes that’s a good thing.





	The Ridiculous One

**Author's Note:**

> Give Lance silence and he’ll give you noise. I honestly sat at a cafe one day and had an idea and wrote this almost 10k thing without pause. The ending may be a bit abrupt, but I mainly wanted to focus on what Lance might be thinking. It’s up and down. Thoughts are messy and they can change topics 80 different times. Sometimes reflection help you understand yourself better and I feel like Lance is the kind of person that needs to get everything out.
> 
> It’s not my favorite thing I’ve ever written but I wrote it and I might as well do something with it, so here you go.

 

 

 

"Yeah, sometimes I'm known as the clown of the group. The silly one. The out of control one. The ‘ _Oh my god, did he really just do that_?’ one. The... the _ridiculous_ one, I guess. Which is fine... I don’t mind that,” Lance waved his hand in the air flippantly, an attempt to prove that the titles didn’t really matter to him, because they don’t. “I don’t know... Like, growing up I kind of wanted that?” He scratched his neck out of uncertainty before falling quiet.

 

He was sat on top of a hill, feet planted in front of him so that his knees were raised in the air casually. He let his arms rest atop of them. His right hand held his left wrist lightly in an unconscious, comfortable effort as if it was holding him upright. He was the splitting image of calm, when he probably shouldn’t be. 

 

“Hard to imagine, I’m sure, but I used to be kind of shy...?” Lance rolled his eyes before there was any reaction to his statement, “Look, I know that I come off as extroverted to the extreme, but that just comes from being in such a large family. I had to fight to be heard, okay?” He dug the toe of his foot into the dirt absentmindedly as his expression changed to something more soft. “But that was at home, y’know? Things were different when I went to school.

“I remember in middle school before the Garrison—during the last week before summer break—there was this classmate that I knew, but not well. I can’t remember if it was during lunch or if it was the end of the day, but students were kind of just wandering around signing yearbooks and exchanging numbers and stuff. She and her friends kept looking over to this one hot, popular guy that everyone loved—and I couldn’t tell you what his name is now. I don’t think I ever even knew it... but I _can_ recall that she wanted his picture. She was too nervous to ask him for one though, and to be honest, I don't even know how I got involved. I think I just noticed these girls giggling to each other and giving Mr. Popular not-so-subtle glances. They kept pushing one another to just ask the guy for a selfie. Well, curiosity being one of my downfalls, and one of my strengths—at least I like to think so, I walked up to the girl that held her camera to her chest, confirmed what she wanted, and before I even really thought anything through, I took the camera from her hands and walked up to the man in question. I didn't know him at all. I just saw him around every once and a while. I mean, not that he wasn’t cute. I had definitely noticed him before... but my heart was beating in my chest hard with like, every step I took towards him, realizing that he was indeed _very_ attractive. I didn't give myself the chance to question what I was about to do. I mean, life is too short to worry about those small details any way...

"So I cleared my throat to get his attention, right, and he turned away from his group of friends to look at me. It’s one thing to just stop a guy that’s by himself to start up a conversation or something, but to have him stop talking mid-sentence and then him and his group of friends all turn to stare at you? That was intimidating. I couldn't tell you if I lied and said I wanted the picture, or if I threw her under the bus to save myself from embarrassment and said that my classmate did, but, he agreed to it none the less... surprisingly. I snapped the photo so quick it was probably blurry, turned on my heels, and then tried to walk back to the girls as calmly as I could without being too obvious that I was sweating. I didn't say anything when I handed her the camera, just smiled, nodded and left. I could feel myself, like, slowly turning red. It seems kind of stupid now... I mainly remember that I was kind of shocked at myself that I did that, you know? Like, I took the initiative, or whatever, walked right up to this stranger—this really hot guy—and just took his picture. I mean, I’m loud, sure, but I was still kind of new to this school. I was new to not being, y’know, constantly around my siblings. That little safety net where we yelled over each other or felt comfortable enough to say whatever we wanted to and risked a wrestling match that would never get too far before Mami came down on us. I had just left behind everything I knew and loved back in Cuba. I wasn’t ready to be that guy yet. But, the look on those girls faces? The awe they saw in me like I was the coolest thing ever? Yeah, I loved that feeling.” Lance had a thoughtful expression as he reminisced. The memories feeling fond. He shook his head with a small smile that said he was embarrassed of himself. “I kind of wanted to hold onto that feeling. Not be scared of that kind of thing. Do things for others that they couldn’t do or something? I don’t know. It turned into being the ridiculous one...

"It's not that I don't like the attention. Oh, hell no, I love it. Sometimes it's nice—great even, preferred! But... sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes, I don't know... I don’t want to be... just that... which is something that is becoming, like, predominantly more and more clear lately.” Lance pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation before continuing, “Before, it was a great way of getting out of responsibility for serious things. And now, it’s like an act. Or it’s like, I can’t even pretend to be entirely that obnoxious anymore. Man... how space changes a person, or the war, I guess... I feel like I’ve aged a thousand years.” 

 

Lance chewed on his lip for a second. “I mean, obviously I’m not going to stop being me, especially because now I feel that I have to be this type of person that everyone can rely on, you know? I get homesick bad, I know it, and I know how awful that feels, believe me. I can’t let Hunk get that low... It killed me every time I saw Pidge get that low before we found her family. I cried all night when Allura had to ditch her dad’s memory holo-thing. God, it _destroyed_ me when Keith didn’t have Shiro... Keith’s always so strong, y’know? It’s like nothing could phase him, but then it did. And it was just... the worst.” Lance exhaled, stopping himself from dwelling too much on all of these feelings. He held a contemplative look on his face. 

 

“I...” He struggled, unsure of how to start what he was about to say next. “And I didn't really fly into space thinking I'd make any kind of romantic connection with anyone, let alone have feelings. Yet, here I was— _am_ —finding myself continuously circling my thoughts back to Keith like he wasn't, emphasis on the ‘wasn’t’, the farthest from my type as humanly possible.”

 

A soft breeze tickled the back of Lance’s neck as he paused again in thought. He didn’t notice. “Or maybe he _is_ my type. I don’t actually know.”

 

“Maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t affected by me at all. That alone drove me fucking crazy. Still does.” Lance groaned. “I just became used to the orbiting presence of my peers, you know?! Not that I would say that I'm, like, the best thing that ever came into fruition or anything, but I would probably be the first person to say, yeah. I do think I'm pretty great.”

 

Startled by how asshole-ish that sounded out loud as opposed to how it sounded in his head, he tried to quickly salvage, “I’m not trying to be a douche bag! Or at least, I mean... I really don't mean to be, you know... I’m just saying that-” Lance let his head fall back against the tree that he had been leaning his back on. A pained noise escaped his throat as he closed his eyes, searching for the right words, “...just that making people laugh, listening to people, conversing with people, making people feel comfortable —or sometimes _uncomfortable_ , but that’s not always intentional!—these are all things that come naturally to me. Emotions come naturally to me.” He shrugged. “I mean, that’s pretty cool, right?”

 

He didn’t wait for a response.

 

“I like being able to be there for everyone. I think I’m good at that. And look, I know I can be obnoxious, and I can be totally annoying. I’m not an idiot. I even annoy myself...” He sucked in a breath, “But, again, that just comes with the territory of a family the size of mine. Competition is in my blood. Maybe, I'll admit, too much competition? Okay but Keith just... did that to me,” he paused, “... _does_ that to me.”

 

Lance stared into the distance in front of him, the bright colors of purples, greens and pinks all mixed together to paint a bizarre but beautiful sunset in the alien sky, lost on him and unnoticed as he furrowed his eyebrows in thought.

 

“Keith, he just... He brought something out in me that even I didn't really like sometimes. He just didn't even try half the time, okay, at anything. And he acted like everything was some inconvenience to him. Like it was all boringly easy. Like the rest of us weren't busting our asses just to be there, y’know? And that just pisses me o--and god damn it, here I am, thinking about Keith again."

 

Lance sighed, running his right hand through his short hair before dragging it down his face, and letting his chin settle into his palm, elbow still propped atop his knee.

 

“I can’t help it. He just gets in my head.” Lance growled, and threw his arms out in front of him in a moment of exasperation, “And the worst part is that he doesn’t even know it. He probably doesn’t realize how much excruciating pain he puts me through. I wish I could get him out of my mind, but when me, Hunk, Pidge, Coran—even Allura and Shiro—are all messing around, Keith is, like, walking by in the background, like, un-phased. I can’t help noticing him every time. What is he thinking about? He’s just, like, ‘ _I want purpose in my life. I want to make a difference. I don’t want to stand around and waste time. I want to save lives and feel important and do something worthy_ ,’ blah blah blah...” Lance mimicked in his best impression. He let out another small growl of frustration.

 

“Doesn’t he know how that makes us feel? I mean, not only are you saying, what, that we don’t want those same things? That we don’t want to make a difference and save lives? Or maybe we’re not on the same level as him or something? _Please_.” Lance grit his teeth in annoyance.

 

“But you’re also, just... ugh, I. Don’t. Know. It’s... it’s like... it’s _admirable_!” Lance scoffed, ugly in expression and in sound. It was a chortle of abhorrence.

 

“He makes me want to be better!” His head fell between his legs pathetically. “First of all, I’m already great, but then I see Keith having only one mode, which is: passionate, and it makes me burn all over with rage and want and... and he does these things, right, effortlessly by the way, second-fucking-nature, and it’s like... _so cool_. Honestly, how can I be that mad at him for wanting to get out there every chance he got to fight in this war? Sometimes he fights like it’s a personal vendetta. Like, the Galra empire was all of his personal problems in physical form and he fights like his life doesn’t matter—like he doesn’t really have things to live for except for the fight itself.” Lance thought on this as the words tumbled out of his mouth, “Maybe that’s the Galra in him... but it still puts me on edge. Every time he does something reckless. Every time he put himself in danger for the team or for any one... he’s just never afraid to lay down his life. It pisses me off.”

 

Suddenly, his face smoothed out the wrinkles of anger, replacing those hard lines with something much more kind, “But I’m afraid. I’m afraid to lose him.”

 

“To be fair, I heard that his dad was a firefighter and he passed away trying to save lives...” His tone of voice grew softer with this piece of insight, knowing that the subject was a sensitive one, knowing that Keith probably became mostly who he is today because of that man, and because of his death. Keith came from a line of heroes and Lance thought of what it would feel like if he had lost his family at such a young age. He shuddered, his heart clenching in anxiety just be mere mention of such a tragedy.

 

“His mom has been a part of the Blade since before all of us were even born. She’s been protecting Earth and fighting against Zarkon, risking her life every day just for the cause—making all of this risky business basically in his DNA...” Lance chuckled at that. It wasn’t the first time that he let his mind process Keith’s life, who he was as a person and why. Figuring out why he cared about Keith was an easy conclusion. It was annoyingly easy for someone like Keith to get under someone like Lance’s skin. Lance, however, spent so much time thinking about himself in the equation, wondering when he started to have feelings for Keith and if they were real and whatnot, that with everything being bared on the table in front of him like this, it was hard not to feel his chest swell with warmth and fondness and affection... and love.

 

But there was also an ache there.

 

“It got hard for awhile, before he left to be with the Blade of Marmora, you know? Because, you could tell he felt kind of trapped with us for a second. I felt sorry for him; I really did. He clearly had no idea how to lead at the time and I tried to be the voice of reason, but let’s face it. Absolutely no one, then, knew what we were doing. We were a bunch of kids, thrust into all of these responsibilities—and not normal teenage responsibilities like semester exams, a part-time job and bills. No, our duties consisted of saving the freaking universe. Us. 17 years old. Pidge was, what, 14 when we started? I don’t even know anymore. Time feels... irrelevant out here.” He felt flashes of excitement, then anger, then depression, resignation, and finally determination—the same emotions that flowed within him throughout this whole space journey.

 

“I wouldn’t change my position for anything else in the world,” he said.

 

“At first it was awesome because everything was new and different and I felt special. Like I was chosen or something—and I kind of was because of Blue—but then I was mad about everything. Like, why me? I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t go on dates and be normal and get fat off of junk food if I wanted to or just be a kid, you know?” Lance felt a pang of guilt in his chest at those past feelings. “And then I was depressed because realizing that I couldn’t do these things, that I might not ever do those things again...? That was a lot. Then, you’re depressed by how selfish those wants are, y’know? People are dying. People are losing their homes, their families, their entire planets... and I’m over here cursing at the fact that I can’t go cosmic bowling and eat a decent cheeseburger.” 

 

As if on cue, as if telling him that everything was going to be okay, Lance looked up to the sky and saw stars peak through the atmosphere. Even with being in space all this time, and getting sometimes too close and personal with stars, something still felt a little magical in that. That no matter where he was some things didn’t change.

 

He sighed, feeling lighter as he went over the next emotion, “You start to feel like ‘this is just my life now.’ And that was short-lived believe me, because you start really seeing the results of all the hard work. You start seeing all of the families you helped. You start hearing the stories and the thank you’s—and I would do this even without all of that or parades. It’s amazing to feel appreciated and I’ll admit that I’ve been disappointed when we stopped at a planet and didn’t get some grand treatment, but really, I could fight a million Galra soldiers if it meant one person was happy and safe. That’s enough. I want to help them all. I want to do everything that I can. I _was_ chosen. This was what I was meant to do.” Lance smiled. There was a slight threat of tears behind his now closed eyes.

 

“I remember feeling somewhat invincible with these huge robot cats that could do seemingly anything. We’d had a strong leader too, Shiro, who knew what to do andwhen to do it and exactly how. It was so easy to listen to Shiro when he gave a command because everything that came out of Shiro’s mouth seemed to be the right move. The guy is a genius, and deserves to be in space. I mean, I don’t really wish all of this on any one, to be perfectly honest... in reality, this paladin business kind of sucks—but like I said, I am entirely grateful to be a part of something that is changing the course of history, or being able to put myself to use and do something for someone other than myself—save the universe and all that jazz...” He paused for a moment, scratching his cheek. “But it’s still war. And it’s still scary every day. We started doing this before I was even old enough to drink. But... Shiro was definitely meant to be a leader. If you look up the word leader in the dictionary, it would just be a picture of Shiro’s face. He is the definition of someone that is ‘Destined for Greatness.’” Lance waved a hand out in front of him as if gesturing at the words.

 

“Keith, though... He... Like I said, he looked trapped with us, for a bit. You could feel it. At first, all I wanted to do was help. I didn’t know how to help him and it’s not like Keith would ever ask for it? And if I ever offered, I don’t know if it really got through to him... because he still left. And I get it... I’m not good at that sort of thing either. Admitting I might need help. But... the Black Lion chose him. I respected that choice because I knew it was the right one. Keith is a really good pilot. The best. Maybe better than Shiro.” Lance quickly added, “Don’t tell him I said that.” A soft mew came from his right with acknowledgement.

 

In the midst of gesticulating his monologue, he made a shrugging motion as he carried on, “I mean, he’s _reckless_...” and then Lance’s voice got soft, “but he’s a good person.”

 

He sighed and let his arms fall to his side, hands mindlessly grasping at the alien grass beside him. “I don’t want to say he was depressed... I mean, we all were after what happened to Shiro, but Shiro means something more to Keith... Then all of a sudden Shiro was gone, _again_. The fact that I didn’t know how to help Keith and he wouldn’t let any one close, and on top of that, he seemed to be backing away from the team more and more... I just know that he was in his head with self-doubts about being our leader and, and well... it just made me so fucking mad. Seriously. I was furious. I was mad that he wouldn’t let me help him, or anyone help him. I was mad and kept thinking that he had to let me help him, but... I guess, he didn’t. I know that he didn’t have to let me do anything. I know that depression or stress works differently for different people and that you can only really help people that are willing to meet you half way and Keith was not willing to do that then. That was his right. I couldn’t force him to let me do anything. I couldn’t force him to participate in the Voltron show or help deliver supplies when there were other things out there that probably made him feel more useful. Maybe he felt that if he couldn’t lead than he could at least do this. The Blade stuff. So, yeah, I guess I was kind of being a dick. Even after Shiro came back and Keith was being an idiot I was still kind of a dick... I just felt like he didn’t care about the team anymore when I knew that wasn’t true. He just needed different things and I know that. I just cared so much. It... it kept me up at night... It still hurts to think about.” Lance rubbed at his eyes as if he could feel the sleep-deprivation of back then.

 

“I was mad at him for being selfish and I was mad at myself for not knowing what to do. I was mad that I felt like a failure, which is not a new feeling for me, but when it comes to Keith? It just felt like he was so far out of my reach after we had just started becoming close, you know? And then he left. He left _me_. _Again_.” Lance’s legs fell, and he splayed out, looking at the way the sun fell behind the mountains leaving streaks of light—literal rays of sunshine. He felt exhausted.

 

“Don’t get me wrong. I was happy for him. I missed him like you wouldn’t believe, but I am glad that he went with the Blade for so many reasons. First of all, we needed someone to learn about the Blade of Marmora and learn about all that they had been doing these past 10,000 years. Build that connection, make allies. Keith is so good at that kind of stuff. Stealth mission stuff. Cool stuff. Besides, Kolivan definitely helped him learn different tactics and, like, having to be more controlled, not letting your emotions run everything. As much as I’m an emotional person, so is Keith, okay? The guy is essentially driven by them. All: feel now, do now—talk later, think later, kind of thing. But on top of that...? I don’t know... I was happy because you could just see in Keith’s face how much he needed this. I kind of felt like the help he needed, the help that I had been fighting with myself about and the help I could give him, was just acknowledging that this was what he wanted and let him go.” Lance examined his nails, picking at the grass that was now stuck in them. “Let him go, ha. Even if that’s not what I wanted...”

 

Lance sighed, dropping his hands at his side again.

 

“Thank god, we had those shows to put on with Coran. To get morale up and whatever? It gave me a chance to not think about what Keith was doing all the time and instead worry about what _we_ were doing. Which, by the way, I don’t care what any one says, those shows were a ton of fun and I was awesome in them.” Lance felt himself smile.

 

“I wish Keith had been there. If not for the sole purpose of watching him act terribly and make a fool out of himself.” He chuckled. “The one thing I had the upper hand at, besides shooting. I’m an excellent shooter.”

 

Lance frowned at the next incoming thought process, “...There’s no way Keith obsessively thinks about me like I think about him. Am I crazy right now? Do I sound crazy to you? “ Again, he continued without waiting for a response. “Why would he? Why would _Keith_ , of all people, see _me_. If anything I’m always getting on his nerves, realizing too late that I’m comfortable saying literally anything except for how I really feel. I know that he tried, in his own ways, to be my friend. I don’t know why I kept pushing him away... probably because I hold grudges and was, for some reason, still bitter about studying for hours to get in the same classes as him, to be able to prove that I was just as good or something.” Lance’s mind switched through topics in a snap, and it continued on with the tangent now that the words were uttered. “It’s like everyone at the Garrison kept comparing me to him. They said I could never be good enough no matter how hard I tried and the more I had to listen to that bullshit, the longer the rage fueled me. Even while being galaxies away from the Garrison where I had nothing to prove because we were both starting over I was still letting rage fuel me.”

 

Lance became affectionate with incoming memories. “With the Lions, both of us were unsure and almost completely useless at flying them correctly.” Lance laughed at the flashbacks of him and Keith crashing into Arus’ soil when they were supposed to be bonding with the lions. Instead, they had used the time to challenge each other like children, because they were. When they all tried to form Voltron a thousand times before Allura had thought of the food-goo food fight, now that Lance thought about it, was the first time he had seen the then red Paladin for who he really was.

 

Lance looked over at the Red Lion that he now piloted, who was lying on her side in the dirt. All lights off.

 

“I don’t know why I let it all still bother me... We were equals out here in space. I think every time I saw his stupid face I just felt heated because I wanted him to understand what I had gone through because of him. I had to live through all those sleepless nights and studying just to hear that I wasn’t going to amount to him now matter how hard I tried. I’d ‘never beat Keith’.” He scoffed, sarcastically throwing up air quotes while rolling his eyes. “That shit god old so fast. I just didn’t want to hear his name anymore or see his face anymore, but it’s like... you know when you buy a car and then all of a sudden you see your car every where? It was like that. He was every where.” Lance’s eyes glazed over. “And yeah, it was annoying. And then, you, like, think about him all the time, right? You just get in these rants in your head, but then all of a sudden your thoughts go from: who the fuck does he think he is? To: why he was so good at this stuff? What else was he good at? What did he like to do for fun? Who were his friends? Where did he always disappear to? What was his schedule?” Lance paused, “I’m not a stalker, I promise.”

 

“I wanted to hate him so badly. Like, he was a dick, okay, don’t get me wrong. He was disrespectful, he did whatever he wanted and somehow got away with it... He didn’t care about anyone but himself. Who knows if he would have made any friends before all five of us became trapped together in space. Maybe my persistency would have eventually gotten to him if he had stayed in school but... I just think it’s funny now how obsessed over everything I was. I wanted to be as good as him. I wanted Shiro to see me too—that guy’s my hero! It seemed like Keith kept throwing everything away. He treated it all like he was too good for it and on top of him being seemingly ungrateful I had to hear about how I wasn’t good enough, making me think I wouldn’t ever be good enough... Hell, I still think that... and how much it bothered me that I would try so hard every time and my name was always right below his on the leaderboard and he didn’t even care. He still didn’t see me. I wanted him to know how much he plagued my fucking mind... And like... know who he was, under all that quiet and surface level brattiness... I wanted to be his friend... and then I’d think about how he hadn’t even really known I existed the whole time. When Shiro’s pod crashed, I barged in while he was trying to lift Shiro’s dead weight out the door and I was so pissed off that he didn’t know who I was that I barely noticed the sting of it. I’m over here suffering because of him and he barely knows my name. Like, _notice_ me. Everyone fucking notices me! I’m loud and proud and why don’t you _notice me_?” Lance turned the conversation to the skies, yelling as if Keith could hear him, “I still kept thinking about you when you left the Garrison, you dick head! I kept thinking about how you were a coward. How it wasn’t fair that I didn’t beat you on my own. I couldn’t earn my spot. I couldn’t show you what I was made of and make you notice me. You had to go and flunk out like a real asshole.” Lance lightly bumped his forehead with his wrist a couple times, a mixture between a groan and his umpteenth sigh tumbling out of his mouth. His body was a tangled mess of unresolved tension, hate (and... love?) mixed together into something really confusing. Really frustrating. “You had to go and flunk out for something cool... like searching for your brother.”

 

“And I guess I decided it had to be hate all this time and not like, admiration... that I felt. _Love_ , maybe.” Lance felt a shiver of panic at his choice of words before deciding he didn’t care. It’s not like there was anyone here he was trying to impress. He could say and do whatever he wanted.

 

“Hating him was so much easier than feeling like shit. Feeling like _this_. Feeling... inadequate, I guess. But Hunk told me once that there was a thin line between Love and Hate and god damn, was he right.” Lance put his palms to his burning eyes. He was increasingly growing more and more tired. All the words and thoughts pouring out of him like a well of pent up emotions and now he was dumping them out. He was starting to feel lighter, hollow now, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. “Hating him was easier than feeling anything.”

 

“Can you imagine if he heard me now? Saying all this shit.” Lance turned to face the sleeping white fox thing that was curled up next to him. It kind of looked to Lance like a Pokémon. A white Skitty.

 

He reached out to scratch behind its ear and felt a warmth flush through him when the small animal leaned into the touch. It was getting dark.

 

Lance looked back at the sky before him, the strange colors changing into the familiarity of night. Night always looked the same wherever they went. Space was always space. Consistent and vast.

 

There was still no sign of the others.

 

“I probably didn’t have to be such a... jerk... once we got into space. I know that. I didn’t really want to be. I mean, I did, but it was more like... I was hurt? I finally had his attention. I was going to keep his attention this time. Which just made it all the more unbearable that he had to truly be a great person. This person that would blindingly follow Shiro into any black hole. Or, like, passionately pursue a threat because, and maybe his methods were wrong, but it meant that the threat would be gone and everyone else would be safe. He wanted to take on everything by himself and he didn’t want anything in return. He wasn’t even a dick about it, really. He was just aggravatingly, like... consumed in his own goals. He cares. A lot. You can see it in his eyes. Ugh, I hate his eyes.” A small nudge at his fingers made Lance look down at his small new friend, “Okay, you’re right. I don’t hate his eyes... I, like, _really_ don’t hate his eyes...” A silence fell over the prior blue Paladin as he watched the world around him, lost in thought.

 

He kept silent for a while as he went over everything that had gone wrong that day.

 

First, there was a Galra fleet attack, then Red got hit with some laser so hard that she completely went offline, then, before any of the other paladins could really react to Lance’s situation with Red, there was this weird storm that came out of nowhere and zapped him and Red to who knows where. He had crash landed on this planet with his communications completely cut off. Nothing was working. He really wished he was smart like Pidge so that he could maybe figure this all out, but he wasn’t smart like Pidge, or good with mechanical stuff like Hunk. Or brilliantly resourceful like maybe Shiro and Keith. He wondered if this was his life now. Just... stranded on this planet, which, honestly, didn’t seem that bad so far. Skitty was cool. He had tried to claw Lance’s face off at first, but now they were clearly besties. He thought about building a cabin by the lake below him in the valley that he overlooked. Spend the rest of his days, exploring and fishing or something, like that movie Oblivion with Tom Cruise. Was it Tom Cruise? It’d been so long since he saw an Earth movie.

 

Lance laid down, hands clasped behind his head as a make-shift pillow and Skitty took the opportunity to curl up on his stomach, making a soft squeal sound.

 

“I’m not even upset right now... I’m just tired. Like, what have I been doing all this time? Why did they let me be an idiot for so long? Why did I let myself be an idiot for so long? Why didn’t I ever tell Keith how I feel? He’ll never know now and I’m a fucking idiot.” Lance bit his lip again, his tongue gliding over the skin and he fleetingly wondered if he brought some alien chapstick with him, “Okay, I’m a little upset...” He huffed out, “I hope everyone got out of that fight okay.”

 

Lance knew he was probably being dramatic, “It’s not that I don’t think they’ll come and find me, you know? Like, we found Red once before. I don’t remember how. Magic or something. Science? Any way, they’ll find me again, eventually. Maybe? God, I hope I didn’t get zapped to another reality or something.”

 

Skitty pawed at his chest, questioning eyes looking up at him, “What, you think I should tell him? He’s not even here—and even if he was, tell him what? That I’m sorry?” He turned away from Skitty to make an irritated expression that they both knew held no real irritation. “I am, okay?”

 

Lance laid his head back down and faced the stars above him. “I’m...” He trailed off, feeling himself fumble for some reason. He didn’t know why he was behaving like this. No one was here except Skit and the little fox was making a grumble of expectation as if telling Lance to get it over with already.

 

“I’m sorry, Keith. I’m sorry that I’m a jerk. I’m sorry that I don’t know when to shut my mouth half the time. I’m sorry that I never told you how I feel about you. I’m sorry that I let so much time go by and I let my feelings and my head get in the way—but you know, we are in the middle of a war and you were busy and I was busy and, like, when were we ever gonna have the time for this kind of conversation, am I right? And—l-” Skitty made a barking noise and Lance took a deep breath. “Right, right, okay. Sorry.” He rubbed an index finger between Skitty’s eyes lightly and she vibrated with contentment from the contact. 

 

“Keith, I...” Lance scrunched his face up, like he didn’t like what he was about to say, “Keith... I... I think I love you.”

 

He took a deep breath and tried again, “I love you. I know I love you.”

 

He paused, letting that sink in before continuing. “I miss you when you’re gone. I’m sorry that I make a lot of things difficult and I give everyone a hard time. I promise I’m getting better. I’ll be better. Not just for you, but for the team. I don’t even care if you don’t like me back—as long as we’re frie—”

 

“I do.”

 

Lance’s whole body went cold and he sat up quickly, rolling away from the sound as if it had burned him. A startled, gargled, ugly noise erupted from his throat as he heaved up and away. Skitty made a clean break off of his body and landed softly to the side, watching Lance flail his limbs around.

 

“What. The. Fuck.” Lance’s heart was pounding. All of the hair on his body was sticking up and his eyes were wide from the shock. Did he just hear that right? Was that a voice? Was that _Keith’s_ _fucking_ _voice_? Don’t look, McClain. Don’t _fucking_ look.

 

He looks.

 

Slowly, shaking, Lance turned his head just enough to look behind him and there was indeed a figure sitting there on the bouldering thing next to where he was just lying down. Lance abruptly turned all the way around, a finger jabbing in said-figure’s direction.

 

“Y-You!”

 

Keith finally let out the laugh he’d been holding in. It was soft at first and then loud and boisterous. He doubled over holding his sides as he continued to laugh.

 

“I hate you so much.” Lance tutted, so many emotions inside of him making his stomach do flips.

 

Keith just wiped his eyes of the water that was gathering there from his mirth, “No, you don’t.” He smiled, leaning back on his hands and staring at Lance. Lance flushed wildly at the implication. Oh, god. He heard. He responded. Wait... he responded?!

 

“Wait, wait, wait. You do? You do, what, exactly?” Lance eyed Keith skeptically, not moving an inch, heart continuing to beat loudly in his ears. He mentally shushed his heart in an attempt to hear Keith’s next words.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Lance was pretty sure he’d just had a heart attack. Or maybe an aneurysm. He’d died, right? This alien planet was death?

 

“Is this real? How did you even find me? When did you get here? Where are the others?” Lance faltered, “...Did you... did you hear, like, everything?” Lance didn’t bother looking Keith in the face, shades of red darkening his already dark Cuban skin.

 

Keith gave him a soft look, humming in response, before focusing his attention to the landscape in front of them.

 

If Lance wasn’t already dead he was surely dying. Or at least, he felt like he was. What does that mean? Hums are not an answer.

 

Lance groaned into this hands feeling miserable with embarrassment, but Keith offered a soft chuckle causing Lance to cautiously look up at him.

 

Keith was beautiful. He always knew that, but particularly he was beautiful right now. He was sitting in the spot that Lance had previously been situated, under a big alien tree. There were remnants of the sunset behind him, but mainly it was night now. He didn’t realize he’d crawled a bit closer to the other boy until a breeze pushed Keith’s hair in front of his eyes and Lance, throwing every instinct to the wind, reached out to pull a stray strand that had gotten caught on Keith’s lips and tuck it behind his ear. Keith only slightly stiffened as he turned towards him, eyes concentrated heavily on Lance’s while leaning into the touch. Lance may have died a few seconds ago from the humiliation of the other potentially hearing his sob story, hoping he hadn’t said anything offensive, but he had definitely been resuscitated by the look Keith was giving him now.

 

The moment didn’t last nearly long enough, when Lance realized where he was and what he was doing and with skin starting to burn at the contact, he let his hand drop and look away. Keith just found the way Lance was so flustered endearing.

_Lance_.

Keith couldn’t contain the smile that graced his features at the thought of the boy next to him, whom Keith could see in his peripherals was tugging at the pedals of some weird looking alien flower out of anticipation. He was still quiet. The most quiet Keith had ever heard. Keith smiled wider at that, knowing that this stupid boy was so weird and irritating and that Keith loved him.

 

“Pidge and Allura were able to locate you not too long after we finished the rest of the fleet off. The storm that took you away took away some of the Galra too.” Keith hesitated before continuing,”I didn’t get here too long ago.”

 

Lance still wouldn’t look up at Keith. Even as Keith shifted closer Lance just stiffened, but he wasn’t pulling away. Keith supposed that was something. “You talk a lot, you know.”

 

Lance let out a breath. He must have been holding it in.

 

Keith watched Lance pluck up another flower and placing it in the oddly cute looking cat thing’s fur. He put one and then two, the cat not looking up or moving. It was curled up at Lance’s feet, eyes closed. Its tail swishing back and forth in a contented manner. Lance was still avoiding Keith’s gaze though and Keith didn’t like that. Not after hearing what Lance had just confessed, what Keith had confessed. But as far as Keith was concerned there were more important things to discuss right now anyway, “...You’re not, what did you say? The ‘ridiculous one’? Well, you are, but you’re more than that.”

 

Lance stiffened again and turned to look at Keith with wide eyes.

 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t notice you at the Garrison. I just... I didn’t notice any one. I,” Keith hesitated, wanting to get his words out correctly without them being misconstrued, “At the time, I was just existing. I didn’t really have a purpose or knew what I was doing. I just knew I was good at what I did and being good at something made me feel... less... alone? Don’t get me wrong, flying makes me feel alive. But people paid attention to me too, I guess.” His expression turned into a slight scowl. “Shiro was the only one that saw me for who I was. Everyone else was just...” He took a deep breath.

“I wasn’t even going to try the simulator out when he came to my school, but he had looked at me, really looked at me, and wanted me to try, so I tried. And I was good. And then my teacher said I was no one and... I flipped out, I guess.” Now it was Keith’s turn to stiffen. “But Shiro always saw right through me. He stayed by me when no one else would. I still don’t understand why, but it doesn’t matter. He was the only reason I did anything at the Garrison. I was a shit head but, I couldn’t let him down. I wouldn’t. When he went M.I.A. nothing else mattered to me.”

 

Lance watched, listened, body relaxing.

 

“I didn’t know how to be friends with people.” Keith tapped his left index finger against his right arm, thoughtful. “I still don’t. I still think I’m doing all of this wrong. I still think I’m going to mess all of this up one day. But, with you and the team I feel... less afraid, I suppose, and even more terrified. I know I push you all away sometimes. I just... at least, that I can control. When my mom left and then my dad... being in and out of families, the Home, and then Shiro’s disappearance. It all didn’t seem fair. I didn’t want to let anyone get close to me again.” Keith closed his eyes in self-realization. “When I was chosen to pilot the Black Lion, I hated the idea of everyone having to depend on me. I’m not dependable, Lance. I’m not _good_ at this. I just... I just know how to fly. I just have good eye-hand coordination.” Keith looked up at Lance then, his eyes piercing. They were pleading with Lance to understand something.

 

“I didn’t want you to look up to me. I didn’t want to have to rely on you because then what, you leave, eventually, like they all do and I’m alone again. And—” Lance laid his hand over Keith’s shaking one. “I’m not perfect or anything. I’m just me.”

 

Lance smiled, encouragingly, and then slyly, “...define perfect.” Keith hung his head, with a skeptical annoyed look and a let out a light laugh.

 

“I’m trying to explain this to you. Don’t make this weird, Lance.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

Keith took his other hand and put it over Lance’s, gripping it with a determination.

 

“No, I do. I want to.”

 

Lance wasn’t sure who initiated it but before he had a chance to think too much on the action, their fingers were intertwined. Keith continued, “When we first started to get to know each other, I really didn’t want to like you.” Lance held the hand that wasn’t occupied to his chest in mock shock. Keith rolled his eyes, but kept on, “It’s not that I hated you or anything, but god, you were really hard to handle.” Keith chuckled when Lance nudged him hard in his side. “It would have been fine if you were nice, and not a flirt all the time and, I mean, I don’t know, _less you_ , I guess.” Keith carried on despite Lance’s affronted “Woooowww” in the background. “I’m used to peace and quiet and you disrupted everything I ever knew.” He squeezed Lance’s hand, ”I liked it, though, I’m not saying that I didn’t. I think I needed it. It was just hard to get used to.”

 

Lance huffed out a breath in annoyance and looked away, teasingly taking his hand out of Keith’s grasp, “I’m trying hard to not be offended because I know you’re bad at words, Keith, but all you’re doing is insulting me right now.”

 

Keith held tight to Lance’s hand, not letting him get away, “You’re just so loud. And you flirt with everyone! And you clearly didn’t like me at all. You also acted like you were better than me and-“

 

“Keith.”

 

“But, I liked how easy it was for you to talk to people and how easy it was for you to be funny and charismatic and charming. _Yes_ , you’re charming.” Keith rolled his eyes at Lance’s eyebrow wiggle. “There are a lot of things that you do that I wish I could do.” He tried to hold Lance’s gaze again, urging him to know what he was trying to say. “There are times when you would talk and hold the attention of so many people so readily, comfortably, with this flare of ease that it almost made me jealous... until I decided I didn’t need to be those things or do those things, I just needed you. I wanted you to be by my side.” Keith hesitated, “I still want you.” He could have blushed then, but like everything else he ever did, he was determined and decidedly facing this head on.

 

Lance blushed though, all the way to the tip of his ears.

 

“You irritated me to no end. You wouldn’t shut up half the time and you were so full of yourself—I really didn’t like you—“

 

“You’re insulting me again, Keith.” Lance laughed, no fire.

 

“No, sorry, you know it’s true. I just mean, there were all of these surface traits that I didn’t like, and I would wonder how trustworthy you were. Were you all talk and no game? Were you a cheater because you flirted with everyone? I didn’t know. But then I got to know who you really were. _Are_.” Strands of his bangs strayed into his line of vision when he jostled himself over the trip of words. He felt like he had so many things that he wanted to say pushing against his teeth. Lance brushed the hair back, tucking them behind Keith’s ear again and a resigned sigh left Keith’s lips as he tried to calm himself.

 

“I got to know who you are. You’re not just those annoying things... You’re honest and severely kind. You’re helpful and unashamed. You’re funny and courageous and you’re not afraid. You’re not afraid to say what you want to. You’re not afraid to call me out. I wish I was more like that.” The little cat climbed in Keith’s lap then, and he blinked away the confusion when it nuzzled his knee.

 

“That’s Skitty.” Lanced introduced, “Skitty, this is Keith.”

 

“Like the Pokémon?”

 

“You know Pokémon?” Lance perked up, surprised.

 

“Lance, I grew up in the foster care system, not under a rock. Yes, I know what Pokémon is.” Keith fought the urge to roll his eyes again. Lance flinched awkwardly at Keith’s choice of words and Keith understood, the topic made most people uncomfortable and he didn’t need that, not from Lance. “I wouldn’t be who I was now if I didn’t go through what I did.”

 

“Then I guess I should thank them.”

 

“Please don’t.” Keith laughed, “Any way, Lance, really, you make me want to be better too. I wanted to be a better team-player. I wanted to learn how to be a better leader. Y-you... you believed in me for some reason, and you saw me too. _Really_  saw me, like Shiro. No, different... You saw me as an equal. I don’t want to let you down either. I couldn’t.” He said, “I won’t.”

 

Lance stayed quiet. He held Keith’s hand tighter.

 

“You’re more than good enough.” Keith whispered and Lance felt his heart skip a beat.

 

Hearing those words was like jostling awake in the middle of the night from a nightmare and waking up to someone that didn’t ask you any questions. They just pulled you into a crushing hug and told you everything was going to be okay until you started to believe it. Except Lance didn’t need time and comfort to believe Keith’s words. He knew Keith never lied, he wasn’t really that good at it, but Lance didn’t really need to know that about Keith. He could hear the truth in Keith’s voice. He could see it in his expression.

 

“I like that when I find myself in a social situation and I’m struggling, you don’t hesitate to pick up the slack. I like that although I would be totally fine, doing nothing at all, or just being by myself, you wiggle your way into my line of sight and persuade me to do weird things. I like that there’s never a dull moment with you. I like that I don’t know what to expect whenever you’re around.You push me out of my comfort zone, but you also know when I need space or need to just do nothing—and if I need to do nothing, you don’t mind doing nothing beside me. I like that you put everything into anything that you do. I like that you’re feisty and that you don’t take shit from any one. I like that you’re competitive and that you challenge me. Sometimes it aggravates me to no end, but sometimes it’s fun, being stimulated like that. Finding adventure in little things. Making really trivial things really exciting. I like that you’re always this... bright... person... Lance, you’re the sun. You... You make my life seem brighter in this endless space night. I like that you love your family and you care... so much about everyone around you. I like that you would do anything for your friends—you’re selfless. You will put on a show to make people around you happy even if you’re not. I don’t know how to do that.” Keith reflected, and Lance was basically agape, astonished at the amount of words spilling from Keith’s mouth, let alone them being all things that Keith liked about him. About Lance. The dork. The no one. The _dumb_ one.

 

“I like that you’re so expressive. I like that you’re really good with a gun.” He smirked at Lance, and Lance thought he might die again.

 

“You’re really talented, Lance. You make me really proud to be near you, or that you’re on this team. You could do anything you wanted to do, Lance. You could have any one. And there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to do this in case you decide to change your mind later,” Lance made a noise as if to argue, but Keith didn’t let him, “but then another part of me doesn’t care because you’re worth that risk.” Lance was definitely not crying now.

 

“It drives me crazy when you flirt with other people, though.” Keith grunted with irked effort. Lance laughed at that, hearty and full.

 

“I won’t flirt anymore, I promise.” He smiled, leaning into Keith. Keith wiped at Lance’s face with his free hand.

 

“I mean, I guess, it’s fine... Just as long as you remember who you’re coming home to at the end of the night.” Lance lifted his eyebrows at the implication. Keith added, “And remember that I will not hesitate to kill you.” Lance laughed again, rubbing his neck at the severity of the threat. He knew Keith wasn’t kidding.

 

“I really wouldn’t you know. All that I need is you.”

 

Keith smiled wide, “You’re more than just the silly one of the group. You’re so much more.”

 

“Wait, so how much did you hear?”

 

“Umm,” Keith hesitated. “I heard everything. We... we all did.”

 

Lance froze—petrified, terrified, horrified. “E-excuse me..??”

 

“You couldn’t hear us... but we could still hear you. The communication system must have been blocked on your end, but we were able to hear everything you said perfectly fine. Actually, it helped us locate you. We were able to trace you through that. So, thank god, you don’t shut up.” Keith playfully nudged Lance.

 

The former blue paladin wasn’t sure how he should feel about everyone knowing his secrets, but in true Lance fashion, he took it in stride. He shrugged and continued to lean into Keith. It was all out there now, whatever.

 

“I love you.” Keith whispered.

 

Lance jerked his chin up to see Keith’s expression better.

 

“I love you.” He repeated, his voice a whisper. “It’s hard not to love you. And...” Keith stumbled, “And, I’m sorry too. For not caring enough to see you at the Garrison. And for being to afraid to see anything at all when the Black Lion first chose me. I’m sorry that I—” cut off by Lance’s lips to his, initially shocked by the soft force of it all, Keith let his eyes flutter closed. He wrapped his arms around Lance to deepen the kiss into something more ardent, amorous, devout and sincere... too long had they both been waiting for this moment.

 

 

 

 

And if they took a copious amount of time getting back to the castle, that was okay. The rest of the paladins didn’t say anything, nor did they care—especially with little Skit to entertain them.

 

And if Keith and Lance left their carved initials in the tree that they had bared their souls next to, enclosed in a heart (Lance’s insisted idea)—that was okay too.

 

 

 


End file.
